Untitled

2003-10-27 @ 12:28 a.m.

good email for my blue feelings

I had sex with two guys before I went away to college. The first was my boyfriend of over 2 years at the time. He was everything to me. I know I would be married to him today with little ones running around if he was still alive. The 2nd guy was also my boyfriend at the time and although I know I was never in love with him, he always just felt right. Something about the 2 of us clicked. When he broke up with me (over the phone b/c he was too chicken to do it in person) he cried when he hung up (I know someone who was there and told me this a few years later). He broke up with me b/c of peer pressure. He was just about the most popular boy in HS. I was not. I had a lot of friends and fit in just about anywhere, but I was fat and not part of the �popular kids� so I had to go. Believe me, some of his friends were proud to boast, to my face might I add, about their victory of getting him to break up with me. We still hung out in similar circles and HS my HS was not very big so we saw each other all the time. We continued to fool around for about another year after we �broke up�. His friends seem to fine with that, just as long as we weren�t a �couple�. Stupid fucking high school. We weren�t really right for each other anyway. I mean, I knew this was not the man of my dreams. But the sex always friggin rocked. That is the one place we always clicked. Anyway, he was older than me so once he graduated I never heard from him again � that is until about 2 years ago. I ran into an old HS friend and saw his email address off of a group email. I figured, wtf, and I emailed him. He no longer lives around here but we talk often thru email and instant messaging. Last Columbus day he came here and we spent a night together. At first it was the oddest and weirdest thing and we were both so tentative about it all b/c we hadn�t seen each other in like 15 years. But good god the sex was better than ever! What an awesome sensation being with someone that you were with when you were 16 and then again when you are in your 30�s. This summer he came here again and once again we spent the night together. I know that I want nothing more from him than we have. Believe me, there are no deeper feelings for him. We have found a nice place for each other in our lives. Anyhoo, the reason I started writing this email was b/c last week at J&H we were discussing booty calls. Then Friday I get an email from him that says he was thinking about me and wanted to see how I was. So I emailed him back telling him about the convo that I just ironically had a few days ago and mentioned him in it. So he responded by saying how he thinks that I am more than just a booty call. I agreed and said that I agree b/c we also have a friendship and a lot of history behind it. He responded �I think the reason we get along so well is the combination of friendship and passion. With most booty call type things, there is always an awkwardness after its over. You know-trying to leave cause there is nothing to talk about. With you-I never want it to end!!! I speak the truth!!! You are very special!! Don�t forget that�. I almost cried.

I really needed that b/c I have been feeling so unattractive lately. I mean don�t get me wrong, I normally don�t feel very attractive in general, but this past week or so has just really been bad. And its not related to just attractiveness towards men. That I know is basically non-existent (and PLEASE do not tell me there are plenty of men out there who like heavy women. I have heard that about 3 times in the past few weeks � if this is true then please someone show them in my direction b/c I don�t meet any of them, I ALWAYS loose to the skinny chick), but just as a person in general. And it�s really been making me feel rather blue. I think I�ve been good at hiding it from people though. Like Ari said in her diary the other day, if I�m not all happy and bubbly in public people are always questioning me �what�s wrong?� �are you okay��and its not something that I need or want to talk to anyone about, so I put on the bubbly face and go with it. Right now as I write this I just feel like crying. I feel like I am in just such a rut with everything. And I don�t know how to change that. I also know that it is something I need to do on my own. And I know that I eventually will and I�ll work it all out and everything will be fine. Just right now it doesn�t seem like it will.

It all just gives me a headache.

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