Last night I searched everywhere to find my Harry Potter books. I know Donna has the first one and maybe the 2nd one. But I have no clue where book 3 & 4 are, and I wanted to reread book 4 before book 5 comes out on Saturday. I found a guide/book analysis book on the Harry Potter series that I had bought previously and read that to remind me of what happened in book 4. Good thing I did, there was so much I had forgotten. And this book really makes you think about certain events and helps you to make better connects with the characters and events�I read it in like 2 days! LOL.

I wanna know why I can be good and careful all day with my food choices, and it gets like 9pm and I blow it. For like a week now that�s been my pattern. I know I have to change it, and I want to change it, but I don�t. What the F is wrong with me. This is why I am 12,000 lbs. Why am I so lazy and want to do nothing about anything. I know I have to make like 750 million doctor appts., and they are all to help me, but I don�t want to do any of it. I don�t want to go. I don�t want to work to make it better. I just want it to happen, like a miracle. Please, don�t start emailing me and trying to be all inspirational and telling me I can do it, blah blah blah. I know I can. Now I just gotta motivate myself and that�s my biggest problem. And no one else can motivate for me. It�s been tried and it only pisses me off, which makes it worse. I�m in some sort of slump. And I don�t know why, or what it�s about or anything. And I know me, once I can motivate myself to do ONE of the things I need to do, it will snowball and I�ll get it all done (well, the weight thing I know is a whole other issue that I need to deal with separately). But I think that right now is a problem grasping onto b/c so much other stuff is a mess, that I can�t get a grip on the weight loss factor. I have to do something about this. I know I will. I just know it�s not gonna happen now. It�s gotta happen soon though.

And the people who work across the hall really annoy me. UGH. Only reason I talk to any of them is b/c of the free beverages, oh, and cute boy. LOL.